My life can best be described by the message so wisely put in words by The Flock of Seagulls, “And I ran,I ran so far away”…..
In 39 years of life, I went from hating running to loving it. Loving every moment of sweating. Feeling like my lungs are on fire and going to explode. Running has provided a safe place to blare my tunes and be alone in my thoughts. My non-active life behind closed doors, I have been running from issues and unresolved things from my past.
As anyone knows, where you go there you are. Issues are tenacious in the great game of TAG. They have tagged me, but being so fast, I would tag back and run like my life depended on it, because it did.
In February 2017, My Favorite (aka my husband) went to a marriage conference. There was a session that focused on anger. After that session, we went home for the lunch break and argued. In midst of the argument, My Favorite grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me in the eyes and said the words I have been running from…. for well….for 39 years….and said “Jen, I think you have anger issues”
TAG! Well played anger, well played. Anger in all its glory tagged me, pushed me to the ground and taunted me in that sing song way a bully does on the play ground.
In that moment, after hearing those words, floating in the air and surrounding me, I had two choices; First, was to tag anger back with with my fists at my side while stomping my feet like a toddler yelling “I get to be and feel this way and you can’t and won’t make me change!” then run like hell. My second choice to wave the white flag and to accept that he was telling me this because he loves me. He wants me to be happy, truly, deep down to the core happy. To be honest, I have wanted nothing more but to be rid of anger. I am getting tired of running and playing this impossible game of tag. I want to be the women he sees and believes that I am How he sees past the flaws and hasn’t run for the hills is mind -blowing, for sure.
I have a serious anger issue. On a good day the DJ in my head often plays one of my favorite top 40 hits “You will never overcome,You are not good enough to do so”. Often it becomes an earworm tune, you know the one that clings on and you sing the same damn line over and over.
In May 2017, I finally asked for some help. I started seeing two therapists. One therapist helps with medication. I have always been anti-medication due to the stigma that surrounds it. The ironic part, I work in the medical world, where I am a huge proponent of patients taking meds. Because I know it will help their extreme post operative pain. I guess my pain just looks different. Confessing that medication has to play a part on this journey is a very humbling, transparent thing to share with you. The other therapist helps me talk through my issues, which SUPER fun! No sarcasm here….none at all.
Did you know anger has friends? Their names are: Anxiety, Insecurity, Denial, and Control. They are as terrible as a clique of mean girls in High School.
Due to medication and therapy, Somedays I have wins. Somedays I am pulled back into the shadows of anger. To this evil monster and its demon friends I say GAME ON! I dare you! To get through the circle of friends and family that love me when I don’t deserve it, have encouragment when I’m falling short. I have faith that at the very least the anger will simmer to a slightly irritated level and go down from there.
Keep up the good fight friend, You can overcome and I’ll be running alongside you. I will leave you here with this passage:
***Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.***
2 Corinthians 12:8-10 NIV